I’ve been way under water lately. For a while I let my self feel beaten up, and just beaten by my circumstances. I let my feelings determine my thoughts.
I’m so tired.
I can’t get anything done.
Everything is so heavy.
I don’t feel good.
I feel awful.
Everything is so hard.
Life is hard.
The more I repeated the words in my head, the stronger the pattern became. The stronger the pattern became, the worse the feelings got. The worse the feelings got, the worse my inner dialogue got. The worse my inner dialogue got, the worse my outer circumstances became.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Down, and down and down into the darkness.
Tell somebody something long enough and it they'll believe it-especially your self.
And so it was.
And I knew, I mean, I really knew I was responsible for creating this reality. But I Just. Kept. Going.
I wondered what part of me wanted this, because I wasn’t doing anything to change it. Did I want to be sick? Did I want to be sad? Angry? Hopeless? Was I looking for sympathy? How far would I go down the rabbit hole? When would enough be enough?
Finally I decided that at the very least I wasn’t going to beat myself up for the way I felt. I was going to be gentle with my self. I was going to feel it, allow it, but not judge myself for it. And for a couple of weeks, that's what I did. I let myself BE. Noticing the sadness, the fears, the exhaustion and allowing myself to lay in bed whenever I wanted to for as long as I wanted to. Crying when I felt like crying. Drinking when I felt like drinking. Scrolling FB for as long as I wanted to. Eating potato chips. Ignoring my responsibilities. Walking past the filthy kitchen. I knew my behaviors (or lack thereof) were contributing to my misery, but I wasn’t mentally ready to make physical changes. I’d just rest for a while until I could begin the great climb-I’ve done this enough times, I knew I’d get out eventually, I just hoped I wouldn’t let myself get too far gone, that my life wouldn’t completely unravel first.
At last I grew tired of the asshole in my head running the show and I started talking back on purpose. While allowing myself to lay around I realized that my mind had been running around untamed and that the asshole had taken over. And I just got sick of hearing it's voice and accepting it's words. So, slowly I began to tell my self what I wanted to be, what I wanted to feel:
“I love you, Ellen.”
“I LOVE you, Ellen”.
Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Within days I was elaborating:
You are strong, I am strong.
You are capable, I am capable.
I am healthy, I am healed. I am enough.
Tell somebody something long enough and they'll start to believe it.
And so it was.
A few days of being with these words and I was feeling as if I was nearing the corner. One night while talking with a friend I said “When I get to that corner I know that I’ll have to break through it with action and I’ll be on the other side. It’s just a matter of when I get there, when I’m strong enough and when I decide.” Breaking through-I mean, all the way through-requires using the mind, the body and the spirit simultaneously, in unison. We agreed that I’d start next with the body and go walking in the morning.
The next day, 9:00am:
[Background: 1-21 is not only my birthday but has always been the Universe's way of communicating it’s Presence; that it is responding, listening, and has established time and time and time again that 121 is the code It uses when I’m on the right path, my true Life Path, and 1121 or 1211 usually signifies closure, or that I've received a message from the Universe fully.]
I woke to the small voice, the voice of my Higher Self, the voice of God whispering "Talk to Me, Ellen." A gentle loving reminder that 've not been making time for my Spirit. Instead of starting a conversation, I got out of bed and made a cup of coffee, thinking I'd have to make time for that soon.
As I readied myself for a walk I fought through my hesitation and fought with the mental asshole in my head who was listing all the reasons to stay home:
“I’m so tired”
-“I’m not tired. I feel good.”
“You have so much work to do”
-“I’ll do it when I get home.”
“you don’t really want to do this”
-“I love the forest. I’ll love this walk”
“your back hurts”
-“my back is fine”
“the kids might need you”
-“the kids are fine”
“there might be scary people in the woods”
-“active, woodsy people are the nicest and coolest people. I’ll have pleasant exchanges that will make me feel happy.”
“You should write for a while first”
-“I should walk. I’m going to walk. I’m excited to walk.”
This went on and on as I put on my sneakers, filled my water bottle, and got in my car.
As I started the ignition, I decided to choose a mantra to repeat in order to drown out the untamed negative mind. “Love is EVERYWHERE”. I drove. I chanted it. I breathed. I looked to the sky (that always gives me a lift), and I was with my words. I began to feel them. My inner or higher self spoke up: “you know you can/will change this in an instant”, and I knew I had the Universe's attention, it’s cooperation. I was conscious again.
My drive to the trail is 2 minutes long. I pulled up to the red light:
Love IS everywhere! "ESCAPE: I LOVE YOU".
Ahhhh. Sweet release.
I started out on the trail. “Love is everywhere. Love is everywhere. Love surrounds me.” In time with the rhythm of my feet on the pavement I chanted “I love life, Life loves me.” And “I am life, life IS me” over and over to beat of my steps for the first half mile. As I came to the street that crosses the rail trail, one car was parked at the other entrance on the other side:
I’m coming baccccccccckkkkkk. I thought.
Now, to hold on and keep moving up!
“Love is everywhere, surrounding me, it’s the air I breathe, I am Love.” As I walked and chanted I heard the small voice of love again: "Keep talking to your self, Ellen. Think on Purpose. Step 1 in controlling your life. Get back in alignment with your Higher Self, your conscious self so that you can get back in alignment with God, with the Universe, with the Life Force that you are, that is EVERYTHING. Mind, Body AND Spirit. You're almost there, almost IN it."
I noticed up ahead some kind of design on the pavement. "No way," I thought, "could that say what I think it says?"
I hear you, I thought. I hear you.
The Universe showed me it was hearing Me, then finally I was able to receive the message it had given me upon waking.
I'd built myself up mentally, engaged my body, and next I needed to nurture my Spirit, for it was longing for it's Source. I would sit down and have a long overdue conversation with God as soon as I got home.
I walked through my door and looked at my phone to check the time:
"Hello, God. Sorry I haven't called in a while. I've missed you......"
Coming Out of The Dark:
Step One: Take control of the mind
Step Two: Engage with your body
Step Three: Nurture Your Spirit
*****Elle Gallo is a Personal Transformation Life Coach, author of Living a Light Filled Life, a Reiki Practitioner and an Energy & Sound Healer with a Healing Arts studio in Derry, NH. For more information, visit www.LightFilledLife.org****